Fellows

Driving home on the long stretch of open highway, surrounded by barren crop fields patiently awaiting bountiful harvests, I found myself flush with emotion and began to cry. I had missed the fellow patients I’d come to know during my stay. They had provided comfort in my darkest of times and laughs when the whole world seemed to frown back. As I thought of the infamous statistic, that only 10% of my friends will stick with recovery, I couldn’t help but cry more. I developed such a seemingly delayed regard for my peers and  relied on them for more than I realized.

 The strange phenomenon about institutions (like rehab or prison) and its patrons was best coined in the 1994 film, Shawshank Redemption.

 “These walls are funny. First you hate ‘em, then you get used to ‘em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That’s institutionalized.”

 Plainly, prisons are designed to take our freedom. The thought of being institutionalized post prison sentence implies that one can no longer handle freedom in its natural form, and instead maintain reliance on their captors.

But rehab facilities are designed to take our addictions. There are no bars, no fences, only free will. When we become institutionalized here, we learn to rely on the safety and security of our close fellowship with others. We rely on being surrounded by like-minded individuals who are quick to lend an open ear. Most importantly, we rely on an environment free of drugs and alcohol. This form of institutionalization is valuable beyond measure as these elements provide us the thoroughfare to recovery. Similarly, AA/NA meetings provide just the same. When we look to Alcoholics Anonymous for a reprieve from drinking, we find fellowship. This beloved forum for voicing our troubles allows us to find a new strength beyond ourselves, one that helps us face life and its “terms” instead of fearing them.

Life Through a New Lens  

 Upon my return, the farm has a different glow about it from just 30 days ago. Instead of associating grief, sadness, and self-pity when I see things in disrepair or the unkept house, I see opportunities for rejuvenation. I’m inspired by the beauty of how it could look. To be fair, this can be said about life in general. The things that tormented ‘the old me’ still exist, but now I find gratitude within. Instead of feeling stressed, anxious, or impatient about everything I need to do, I’m now content taking them one at a time and simply enjoying the ride.

 I can’t say I’ve experienced such a bright perspective on life, or at least not in nearly a decade. My happiness before was conditional to circumstances and people around me. It was often short lived. But today, I am unconditionally happy… what a beautiful thing it is. Alcohol had smothered any fighting chance of having a normal and healthy mind. But now I am free!